The Ambiguously (Fun)N(y) Guy in: Why, I Haven’t Been Funny Yet!

I’ve noticed that in all of my previous posts, I tend and trend toward use of jazzy and snazzy words, and cool and edgy rhyme schemes, or lack thereof, to make it seem as though I’m well-written. And edgy. And cool. But what I find funky is that I haven’t really scraped the surface of making you, the reader, smile and laugh while reading my scribbles, mainly because I’m not even positive that there are any of you readers out there. Well, I mean, hopefully I haven’t made you laugh yet, all of my previous works were supposed to be serious. I really hope that you haven’t been laughing this entire time, that would really be an insult. (Hey did you laugh at that?… I’m not funny). If you happen to know me in real life, you’ll know that I’m a 6’4″ meaty, furry goofball, with meaty, furry goof-balls. So I want to try to emulate that. I want to try to be me, on paper. This is my attempt.

[TAKE ONE]

So, hmm, intros are always weird for me to do. I really have absolutely no reason to start talking to you. So here’s my reason: I’m a comedian. By talking about a thing that’s supposed to be funny, hopefully you’ll find me funny. (As a quick side note, in starting to try to write the same way I talk, I’ve found that I’m using the Italics button a lot. Like, a lot alot. Like, a lot, a lot. I’m an animated guy. Like, made of pixels. I’m a cartoon character…….I’m going to try my hardest not to drown you with italics).

I’ve been performing stand-up comedy for over two years, and I have yet to make a single person laugh at me. Seriously, I only do performances for couples. I know it sounds weird, but when I started my comedy career, I signed a contract that prevents me from telling jokes to single people for the first 4 years, 7 months of my comedy career. All prospective comedians have to sign these strict, preliminary contracts at the start of their careers. That’s why you never see any freelance comedians. And the most absurd thing is that my contract isn’t the most absurd contract I’ve seen signed by a prospective comedian. One guy I started out with signed a contract that said he wasn’t allowed to wear long-sleeve shirts for the first 17 months of his career. That sounds pretty simple, but I was with him on that brisk, November night several months back, and he was wearing a red and yellow H&M button-up, long-sleeve shirt, absent-minded of the constraints of his contract. I remember him going up on-stage, opening with a very-clever take on the timeless “Priest and a Rabbi” joke, and then the next few moments became a blur. The bouncers came out and grabbed him by each of the sleeves of his shirt, and as they forcefully dragged him out of the emergency exit, I remember him yelling, “Stop, this is a $30 shirt! This is a $30 shirt!” But you know how bouncers are: they don’t understand the concept of money. I never saw him on a stage again after that. The last I heard about it was that he was working at a K-Mart on the outskirts of Baton Rouge, but at this point it’s just here-say. The point, I’m trying to make, is that I’m a comedian who hates the sound of laughter.