The Ejaculation of Thought

Everything is a dollar at Dollar Tree. Trust me. Let’s name a store Buck Fiddy Tree. Same core values. Same core products. 53 cents more profit, err’time. People would spend more on dish soap if they valued washing dishes. I use dish soap on my floors because I eat off the ground. Everybody funny like that. George, let the man go ask his wife. I’ll take a slice of paper and some cartridged ink for $3.06. What is tax? Dollar Tree should be called Dollar O’Eight Tree. Only in NY. ‘Bout to be Dollar O’Nine Tree. Grand Re-Re-Opening. Lemme sit down and think.

A society where children hang stick figures. When I played Hangman, (now retired), I never knew if I was drawing myself or my opponent. Neither ever looked like a stick figure. Did the pencil prototype have a cap? Snap. The year is 1817, and I’m gnawing at the tip. Thanks for the pencil, God, if only I could sharpen it. Lest be too greedy. I’ll keep my thoughts inside my head. Nobody needs them. Innovations kill. Thank you, can opener, but I like my cans just the way they are. Schrödinger’s tomato soup. I’ll leave room at the end for the sound canned soup makes when you shake it. [____________]

This bench lets me sit on it. Unsolicited ass in your face. My version of ‘Thank You’. These armrests are too far apart for me use both, so I’d rather use none. In the middle so you always have to sit next to me. There are droplets on this paper, and I don’t believe I’m crying. Umbrellas should be made universally smaller, or bigger. To share or not to share, that is one of many questions. Socialism gives umbrellas to everyone, even those who stay inside.

Owning a minivan and living alone. Using a stall to take a piss. Surplus. At least fasten some seatbelts around mannequins. At least leave some poorly-grammared graffiti. Have a little decency. If I didn’t clog this toilet, the janitor would be out a job. I am rebuilding this economy. am giving a shit. Alright, this paper is getting soggy. Time to leave.

Microwaved Potato

If ideas were tangible, freedom would be an anomaly.  Judge Judy for Joke Theft. Season 3: The Hidden Tapes.

I open bananas from the bottom because monkeys do. No, the other bottom. Why don’t my friends eat the insects off me?

The first skydiver was a suicide jumper who realized he could change his mind. Or the other way around.

Wearing pants twice in a row discomforts me. I’m a Mike and Ike’s machine: I REQUIRE CHANGE.

My guess is there were many other foggy nights before Rudolph. If I knew for sure, I might say otherwise.

Radiation causes exponential growth. Apply radiation to your business.

The Lord of the Rings Porn Parody Trilogy, and the line, “Share the load, Mr. Frodo”.


HORIZONTAL LINE REPRESENTS PAGE BREAK


 

Singing to yourself in public is always acceptable, especially loudly and off-kilter. Yes.

I become visually offended by women that choose not to breastfeed in public.

A man puking into the breast pocket of his own suit. Loose belt.

The word ‘janitor’ is to custodians what ‘Jew’ is to Jews. Could be mean, but afraid to ask.

Politics has taught me that humans love to be talked at in analogies. Exterminate Earth, Corporal Xyglorb.

“Don’t quote me on this, but [can’t you just imply entire interviews]?”

A scissor is two knives. Please make steak scissors.

Lists are lazy. Formulate your ideas into paragraphs, you lazy person.

Kismet Too Greedy

Kismet too greedy. A woman clutches her chest, mouthing her reaction to the man. The verbal gunshot staggers him, and hysteria consumes him. Pause. Rewind. Subtitles on.

Kismet too greedy. “It’s the best I could do,” she musters, a shattered heart drilling through her chest.

“Liar,” breathes the man, cocooned one final time in a shell of distrust. Pause. Play from beginning.


 

The man, forever hungry. Hip displasia took his mother, who used to feed him so. Decades of cooking lasagna in a low stove.

A hunger, now unsatisfied. A primal roar erupts from within, and he acknowledges, unable to ignore the beast any longer. “I know, I know!” the man shouts, glancing downward. His right shoe plunges to the ground, and the mighty roar of the engine drowns the other, a grumble in contrast. A giant, neon burger presents itself in the distance. Amidst the roaring, he becomes once more seduced. Closer, and closer, and once more closer. A flick signals turn, and he turns. “Please!” he shrieks, “Stop yelling at me!”

An irregularly-fierce shove closes the car door, following a brisk shuffle to the entrance. A smiling elderly with a hat labeled ‘Burger King’ holds the door open, refusing to respond, “You’re welcome“. The loud growling within seizes, as is appropriate indoors. The man ingests the room, full of people, and smell, and color. An ephemerally overwhelmed mind, interrupted by an empty, dreadful pit of famish. The man has never dealt with famine. A scream escapes his agony, and he falls to his knee, cupping his abdomen.

An employed woman comes to his aid, wearing her hat at him. “Sir? Sir, are you okay?” she asks, leaning down to assist the man. His pale face and clammy hands make for a simple diagnosis. “Sir, are you hungry?”

The man lifts his head and looks to her, for the first time. Innocence gazes into Sympathy. A quivering chin holds back a storm of tears. He opens his mouth, but the words won’t come out. He is choking. How? Everybody is joking now.  He opens his mouth, and responds, “yes”, unable to withstand the emotional dismissal any longer. Tear-filled aqueducts emancipate the reservoirs of denial, and the man sobs a manly sob on under-mopped sienna tile.

The woman embraces the man, absorbing his tears into her apron. “It’s okay,” she consoles, “it’s okay.” 

The man gazes up at the woman, his head now resting in her arms. “What is this place?”

She smiles down at the vulnerable man, and, pressing her voluptuous lips to his, emits a smooching sound. “This,” she whispers, lips still touching his, “is Burger King.”

A moment more of kissing concludes with the woman helping the man up. An emphatic growl interrupts the passion, and reminds the team of their mission. “Don’t worry,” she insists, “I can take care of that for you.”

Eyes once full with tear, now full with hope. “You have lasagna?!” the man proposes.

The woman tilts her head, fresh confusion overlapping lust. “Um, wha-well, no, we don’t. It’s Burger King, w-we only have burgers.”

The airborne confusion spreads to the man, who shares his wonder. “How can you only have burgers? That’s one item on a menu. You’re supposed to have a bunch of different items on the menu. That’s the point of a menu!” Confusion, mutating toward frustration.

“We do have a bunch of different items, over two dozen in fact!” The woman points to the electronic board to her right, illustrating identical burgers in different outfits.

Frustration devolves to anger, and the man’s voice raises, drowning out the grumbles of despair from his innards. “What do you mean, ‘different items’? These are all the same god-damn thing!”

“Well, I mean yes, technically they all have roughly the same ingredients, but-”

“The same ingredients?” he yells, “Then why can’t you make me a lasagna?! Lasagna is the same ingredients as burgers! Without the lettuce!”

The chess match of intensity climaxes with a soft, beautiful realization. The man, tomato-red from emphasis, adjusts downward from his heavy panting. The woman smiles once more, and with a brief nod, heads into the kitchen. 


 

Twenty minutes of ravenous patience later. The man’s left index finger, all that remains grasping to consciousness. A loudspeaker awakens his soul.

“ORDER 66!”

“Surely this must be me!” Rising from his booth, he staggers to the counter, wide-eyed and desperate. The woman awaits him, alongside tray topped with plate topped with a seductive, steaming slice of lasagna.

“Here you go, sir,” she states proudly, yearning his palate’s acceptance, adding, “I hope you enjoy it.”

The man hastily unravels his spork from its packaging, unable to wait to sit back at his booth. Eyes once flooded lock with the woman’s, and a careful jab pierces and scoops the first bite of innovative genius. Without breaking, he shovels the scoop into his mouth, and rests his eyes in anticipatory bliss. The woman’s smile shines in believed success.

Several chomps and a gulp, proceeded by subtle wince. The luminous smile falters, and the woman’s confidence wobbles with doubt. Parasitic anticipation, now gone from the man, hosts itself in her conscious.

“What-, um, what do you think of it?” she asks of the man, whose eyes remain shut still.

Placing the spork down to the plate, he sighs his verdict to her. The man opens his eyes, now shamefully hesitant to make contact with the woman. Crude sincerity.

Eh, it’s actually not that good.”

Kismet too greedy.

 

FOREWORD

Tear-filled aqueducts emancipate the reservoirs of denial, and the man sobs a manly sob on under-mopped sienna tile.”

  • I did not know this rhymed until long after I wrote it. I am deeply sorry.

Inside

A man stares at the sad box. “Box, why are you so sad?” The box, refusing to answer the man, looks away in disgust. The history, which now became history. “Talk to me, Box,” pleads the man. Inert still, denying acknowledgement.

The box has always been empty. Smooth corners and sharp stripes veil inner deficiency, a fluffed blue bow tops the guise of perfection. The man sees and hears, all and none.

“Don’t you ignore me when I talk to you! You know I hate that!” Splatter and shatter of whiskey and glass to wall and carpet. Repulsive Frustration dines on the man. “Look at me, you–you–BITCH!” Ignition.

The boisterous doorbell acts accordingly. The man locks Frustration up, barking loudly, and answers the door.

A woman stands at the doorway, uniform brown, package held to her side, spewing her beautiful smile. The man returns the smile cocktailed with panic. Glance to the aloof box, and return. “Can I help you?”

“I have a delivery for you, sir,” she responds, holding up the package, also clothed in brown, also smiling aggressively. “Just need to sign here please.”

There must be some mistake. “There must be some mistake,” the man repeats, “I didn’t order a box.”

An innocuous chuckle at the man. “It’s not a box, sir, it’s a package.” She holds the package up from her side, and offers it to the man.

“Well–, listen,” the man starts, “I can’t accept this. I already have a box. It would do me no good to be keeping another lying around the house.”

The woman sighs, beautiful smile now gone, replaced with balked lips. “You live in an apartment, sir, and this is a package.” Offering still to the man, she continues, “This package has come a long way, and so have I, and, seeing as you weren’t expecting this, you can’t possibly know you won’t want what’s inside.”

Glance to the tattered package. Peeling tape and concave corners, a faint, boring musk oozes out of noticeable gashes in its armor. A soggy invoice, indecipherable. Conflicting wings bash about the man’s innards, lifeless arms twitching toward curiosity.

The box, absent this confrontation, calls to the man. Turning away from the woman, the man replies, “It’s just the mail lady, honey!” Facing back, he adds, “She was just on her way.”

A final attempt. “Sir, you don’t understand, I need you to accept this package, or I’m going to hear shit about it.”

“And you don’t understand,” the man counters, “I can’t accept this package, or I’m going to hear shit about it.” Denial feeds the flames of repulsion, and the man grasps his side’s doorknob. Reinforcement. “I need to you to go.” A door closes.

Respite complete. The man returns to the box, a miasma of indifference clouding the room. A lone, maroon armchair offers comfort amidst the reticent hostility. A thought to gather his thoughts, and the man sits. A thirst for water to quell this fire inside, intrusive thoughts made of lumber, endless fuel. A glance to a glare, transfixed on the cubic source of rage. No fever, yet engulfed in the flames of repressed hatred. No longer.

A possessed lunge at the box. The man tears at the bow viciously, meticulous art remodeled as reckless scrap. An angry child opening presents. The man hears the box shriek in torment, pleading for him to end her suffering, open to interpretation. He does, and beheads the monstrous container, revealing the horror within.

————————————————————-

The broken-down man ties up a brimmed garbage, topped with glass and whiskey and cardboard and blue. Heading to the door, the man drags the carcass-filled satchel, a weight relocated from his mind to his side. A twist of the doorknob, and a visitor. The unannounced package waits by the doorway, bubbling with stagnancy. The man looks beyond the package, seeking a non-existent deliverer. Kneeling to the package, he brushes his fingertips against the grainy, peeling tape, over the bruised, concave corners, ending on the scrawled, soggy invoice. A deep, appreciatory inhalation. Gentle fingertips remove scabbed tape, and open the wondrous package. Gazing inside, the man finally smiles wholly.

“I love you.”

For The Crickets

[Absurdly bland dialogue pollution]

“Tell me I’m funny!” pleads the comedian, a 15-inch elevation between He and They. They sit, arms crossed, each stern look of determent leering upon He, proof of failure yet turned to success. A family of crickets, sitting front row, each enjoying an appropriately-sized strawberry daiquiri, cheer on the entertainment.

“No,” decides the seventh audience member.

He is running out of time. Three hours of preparation of four minutes of material. Gold into garbage. An intro laugh from struggling to uncoil the mic, the unscripted highlight. Spoken word receives stronger reaction.

They don’t laugh at tradition, because They get it: His nose is big. His girlfriend nags. He has a dick. No place for public domain humor here, in the raw, in the grim, where They reside. No professional comedic tribute bands, yet millions of amateur ones.

The empty rolodex of canned humor sputters to a halt inside of Him. Instantly removed, the years of low-brow and cheese, archived under ‘Cliché‘ and ‘Baseline’.

A light is shone by the mighty Timekeeper. The final opportunity to resonate. Staring toward the family of boisterous crickets, in character throughout His act, He musters, “Perhaps jokes that crickets find funny and jokes that humans find funny are mutually exclusive.”

The crickets, no longer enjoying the drinks nor the entertainment, fall silent, just as a crack appears on the left cheek of the seventh audience member. A window of anxiety opens from the silence left by the crickets, swiftly closed by a chuckle. The comedian’s first victim. Target acquired.

“You like cricket jokes? I got a million of them. What’s the difference between a cricket and a retard? I’d never fuck a cricket!”

The final bounce of the chuckle’s echo hits the fourth wall. The calm before. A storm of guffaws assault Him, feeding his comedic yeast. Hilarity engulfs the room, and hoists the comedian atop its broad shoulders.

A boo erupts amidst the mouthainous crowd of laughing volcanoes. The father cricket, aghast with rage, rises from his chair. “Hey, what the fuck, asshole? I got kids here!”

What, do you want me to apologize?!” shouts the comedian. “Because I don’t apologize for anything! Not even this, of which an an apology would be of the utmost appropriateness.”

The father cricket, disgusted with the comedian’s sincerity, reaches for his jacket, and motions to his family.

“Well if you’re not going to apologize to me, or my wife, or even my eight year-old daughter, then I’m going to apologize, for leaving your show prematurely.”

Shielding his family from the storm, the father cricket guides them toward the exit. He beams a lasting last glance toward the comedian, and a brilliant tear tumbles down his cheek. “I was your biggest fan,” he cries, and walks through the doorway.

 

 

_____________________________________________________

 

 

Do it for the crickets.

 

Grossery

I am in a grocery store. There are groceries all around me, consuming me. All of them are for sale, except for possibly the displays. But wait, why would they display something that’s not for sale? No, anything within eyesight in the grocery store is for sale. A cart-filled cart puts the pusher out a job. Focus.

31 miniature tomatoes in a cute basket. Sold. I don’t even eat miniature tomatoes. Great marketing. I’ve always wanted to try artichoke. Now that I know I can pre-price all my produce, I still don’t.  Stop looking at me, lobster. You too, Butcher #3. Actually, it’s quite alright. Yes, two pounds of it, please. What? Oh, I said yes, two pounds of it. Yes, I did say please.  Well, the first time. No, I didn’t say it the second time. Fine, please.

A six-pack of Bud Lite, for watering my lawn.

Hello, aisle 14. Hello, aisle 15. In 10 feet, sharp right turn onto aisle 16. Oh, excuse me, Ma’am. Oh no, I meant that politely. As in more of a “pardon me” sense, rather than a “watch it” sense. Is that canned tuna? Perhaps I did mean it in a “watch it” sense.

People are just pasta. We all taste the same. Spaghetti is the same as Linguine. Farfalle is still slightly better than gnocchi. Fiori is trying too hard. We get it, Fiori. I’m allowed to drive on the left side inside here, inside this lawless, godless grocery store. No, you move. Fine.

An off-duty security guard offers the same resistance as an on-duty security guard. My armpits smell. I fit in. Robot tellers let me interact with less people. Damn it, the beer. Here is my ID. Yes, I used to have long hair. ha ha. Yup. Thanks. I probably should have pre-priced my produce. I feel gross for using the word ‘produce’ as a noun.  Do I know that person?

I push my cart to my faraway car so that pushers can keep getting paid to push. Working at work. Stop raining on my groceries, please. I am, the most pedestrian hunter-gatherer. Modern day caveman. Wielding a receipt.

 

Resolve

“What are you looking at?!” shouted the doctor, irate at his equally-incompetent nurse. The nurse, drenched with incompetence, failed to respond, but remained staring at the robe-less doctor. The doctor’s robe, drenched with blood, shockingly thrown toward the corner of the luminous bathroom, ignition for furious argument between now-porous lovers. The doctor, becoming angrier than a man who is really, really angry, takes an angry step toward the prostrate robe, a looming tingle in his prostrate prostate.

The nurse, now angrier than before, thrusts her non-dominant arm outward in front of the doctor, in a way that it would seem as though she did not want him moving forward any more than he currently was. She looks at the doctor in his real eye, and exhausts her remaining courage, whispering angrily, “I hate you.” The doctor’s anger is matched now by the nurse’s anger, and the extravagant hellstorm affair boils over with rage as both parties shed their repressive skins and let loose.

You hate me?! hate you!” screams the doctor. “Not as much as I hate you!” screams the nurse in reply. Both the nurse and doctor are now screaming, out of anger and fear of the other’s anger.

Oh, you have no god-damn idea how much I hate you!”

“Trust me, I do, Bob! AND I HATE YOU MORE!”

“Oh, we’re going by first names now?! Well, Karen, I hate you so much that I’ve been using your toothbrush on my nails for three weeks!”

The nurse, now drenched with anger, gags on this news: the doctor was known for his low blows, but she wasn’t prepared for something of that lowness on the low scale. Almost missing the fact that Karen was not in fact her name, she overlooked the doctor’s prank to angrily retort, “My name’s not even Karen, you idiot! It’s Hether.”

“I know!” shouted the doctor. “That’s how much I hate you, that I would forget your real name on purpose!”

YOU PIECE OF SHIT–“

“CUT!CUT!CUT!!” shouts the director, now standing out of his chair in anger. The director stares toward the nurse, with a look in his eye that shows his anger, and also shows his disappointment. “Debbie, get the hell over here,” spouts the director at the nurse, whose now low-hanging head drags across the marble flooring as she begins to walk toward him.

The director, careful with his tonality as to not sound too angry too soon, lectures the nurse: “Listen, Deb. Deb! Will you look at me when I talk– listen, I’m not here to hear myself talk, I know what do right, that’s why I’m where I am and you’re where you are, so will you fucking listen to me when I’m talking?!”

“Hey Andy, will you lay off her?!” injected the doctor to the dispute.  “Jesus, man, she makes mistakes, we all do.” The doctor, drenched with valor, at long last defending his onstage and offstage lover. “You can’t just blindly yell at someone when you’re angry,” continued the doctor. “You have to act maturely, and find a way to resolve the situation.”

“You want to deal with her, then fine,” responded the director. “But I won’t any longer. Debra, get your shit, you’re fired.”

“Andy, if you fire Deb, then I go with her!”

Without hesitation, the director emancipated both actor and actress, both doctor and nurse, exclaiming, “Fine.” Tossing his infamous clipboard to his chair, the director storms toward the exit sign, which would then lead him to the exit, of which he would also storm toward.

The nurse, now drenched with shame, looks toward the doctor, now red with adrenaline. “Oh Harold, I’m so sorry!” The doctor, slowly exhaling, emits an infectious grin at the nurse’s face. He gathers his breath, and replies, “For what? If anything, I’m sorry, for not saying something sooner. I love you Debra, and no director named Andy is going to get in the way of that!”

The nurse trots toward the doctor, and interlocks her arms with his arms, with her arms going underneath his and wrapping around his back tightly, and his arms doing the same, but instead going over her arms. “I love you, Harold.” As they stare into each other, Harold says, “Debra, on a side note, I am currently in the process of baking an apple pie, but I am still missing a few ingredients.” The doctor continues, “Most of these missing ingredients I can pick up at the store later today, but, as I am trying to save a little money, I was wondering if you might have 3/4th of a cup of sugar that you could lend me.”

Quite confused, Debra asks, “What are you asking me?”

“Give me some sugar, baby.”

[END SCENE]